halfway point
jeez. i fail.
yesterday i weighed 143.5,
today 144.5.
but im not surprised i had like 2000 calories yesterday.
i didnt have any drugs or anything else to fill up the void.
so i filled up my tummy.
but i did a lot better today.
im done eating. its 10 pm.
ive had 395. (:
but tomorrow, as wednesdays always are.
is WEED WEDNESDAY.
one of my fav days. (:
i know its bad... but i love the munchies.
like i dont feel guilty for eating im not thinking.
just doing what i want... for once.
but then i feel guilty later.
but ill just compensate with restricting thursday.
im doing quite well with the every other day,
restrict then eat a bunch thing.
unfortunatly the scale doesnt like that.
and i want less on the scale,
so ill try to contain myself in my happy stupor tomorrow.
also: i have the eating habits of an obese person.
like im a COMPLETE emotional eater.
and its irritating.
because i do that, and then im like... why even bother.
but, i must overcome this.
the reason i ate so little.
is because i ate so much yesterday,
so i still felt nauseous and not hungry.
so i was like not gonna eat if my tummy isnt even hungry.
but then my tummy growled on the bus home,
so i had a bit.
then i had a bit after dance,
then i treated myself a bit.
120 calories of reeses and cheetos.
it wasnt a lot, but it made me feel content.
hmm. interesting.
until later. (: <3
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
day 11/35.
i broke all my rules,
oh well, rules are stupid anyhow.
i smoked yesterday,
it was... fun FUCKING tastic.
no joke.
my only problem is i had to go back to school afterwards.
i didnt have to go to class.
but i had to wait 30 minutes for the bus.
and everyone was laughing at me.
because i was laughing so much.
its quite uncommon for me.
well, then i got home.
demolished my kitchen due to the munchies.
and by the time i realized it, it was too late.
so i went to sleep for five hours.
woke up. ate some more.
did some homework.
then my boyfriend calls me to tell me that he wont be able to visit till winter break.
-emotional breakdown time-
and let me tell you. its an awful thing being sad and high.
its quite confusing.
this means, im staying here for halloween.
but i might be able to go visit him for thanksgiving
since my cousins live over there.
3 hours away driving.
but heres THE AWESOME GOOD NEWS
my calorie total for today: 300.
hellz to the mother fucking yeah.
i havent eaten this little in a while.
and yeah i stopped myself from eating a couple times...
but only because i wasnt hungry.
like heres my intake.
lunch : salad (100)
dinner: soup (55), bread (20), sushi (70)
snack: cheesecake (60)
oh right, another reason why i didnt eat so much is because food just didnt taste good today.
liek yesterday i was foodgasming over cinnamon toast crunch.
eh, dont judge, its what the munchies does.
and then today... everything just tasted bland.
like, i got home and made myself dinner.
dinner at 4 pm... woot!
i made myself 60 calories worth of soup, 120 worth of bread, and like 100 worth of sushi.
... but then i didnt finish any of it... i was like wtf.
oh well.
better for me. (:
ill weigh myself tomorrow.
im actually kinda excited.
and nervous.
wish me luck
oh well, rules are stupid anyhow.
i smoked yesterday,
it was... fun FUCKING tastic.
no joke.
my only problem is i had to go back to school afterwards.
i didnt have to go to class.
but i had to wait 30 minutes for the bus.
and everyone was laughing at me.
because i was laughing so much.
its quite uncommon for me.
well, then i got home.
demolished my kitchen due to the munchies.
and by the time i realized it, it was too late.
so i went to sleep for five hours.
woke up. ate some more.
did some homework.
then my boyfriend calls me to tell me that he wont be able to visit till winter break.
-emotional breakdown time-
and let me tell you. its an awful thing being sad and high.
its quite confusing.
this means, im staying here for halloween.
but i might be able to go visit him for thanksgiving
since my cousins live over there.
3 hours away driving.
but heres THE AWESOME GOOD NEWS
my calorie total for today: 300.
hellz to the mother fucking yeah.
i havent eaten this little in a while.
and yeah i stopped myself from eating a couple times...
but only because i wasnt hungry.
like heres my intake.
lunch : salad (100)
dinner: soup (55), bread (20), sushi (70)
snack: cheesecake (60)
oh right, another reason why i didnt eat so much is because food just didnt taste good today.
liek yesterday i was foodgasming over cinnamon toast crunch.
eh, dont judge, its what the munchies does.
and then today... everything just tasted bland.
like, i got home and made myself dinner.
dinner at 4 pm... woot!
i made myself 60 calories worth of soup, 120 worth of bread, and like 100 worth of sushi.
... but then i didnt finish any of it... i was like wtf.
oh well.
better for me. (:
ill weigh myself tomorrow.
im actually kinda excited.
and nervous.
wish me luck
Monday, October 4, 2010
end of week one aka 7/35.
weight on the scale: 145.
weight lost this week: 1 lb.
todays intake: around 900.
i just feel bleh.
and then i had a breakdown when i was on the phone with my boyfriend.
so THAT was awesome.
i just keep thinking.
why bother.
i could just give up.
but i cant, i just cant.
this is the only thing thats mine.
the only thing in life i can control.
i can even control my fucking emotions.
so i will do this.
and i have specific goals for this week.
GOALS:
-only one soda a day, if that.
-go the gym everyday, shoot for everyday, at least 5 times this week, and do cardio for 30-45 minutes.
-keep calories from 500-800.
i need to learn that just because i over eat one part of the day,
doesnt mean i need to fuck of the rest of the day.
i mean thats common sense.
also, my parents need to stop buying bread. and cheese. and desserts.
their fat asses dont need it, and neither does mine.
oh, im awful.
i cant judge them when im just as bad.
sofia, this isnt drugs, you can just say no, i dont want any.
haha. im actually really nervous to smoke again.
i used to love the munchies for some reason,
but now i know im gonna hate it.
and ugh. maybe i should just... not smoke.
but im so fucking stressedddd.
maybe ill just bring fruit with me when i go do that.
maybe.
i hope the scale is nice tomorrow.
-crosses fingers-
i feel like i should name my scale.
then i can be like... i hate darla. or roberta.
but i dont like either of those names.
actually... hm im weird. okay im going to sleep.
considering its almost 1 am.
until tomorrow. (:
[[just a stray thought: ive realized i like waking up. my day starts out with zero calories... and i can keep it like that for at least 4 hours. and then its at 100 for four more hours and then after that im on my own. but those first 8 hours are absolute bliss. i feel empty and wonderful. why dont i think about that at night when im stuffing myself? i dont know.]]
weight lost this week: 1 lb.
todays intake: around 900.
i just feel bleh.
and then i had a breakdown when i was on the phone with my boyfriend.
so THAT was awesome.
i just keep thinking.
why bother.
i could just give up.
but i cant, i just cant.
this is the only thing thats mine.
the only thing in life i can control.
i can even control my fucking emotions.
so i will do this.
and i have specific goals for this week.
GOALS:
-only one soda a day, if that.
-go the gym everyday, shoot for everyday, at least 5 times this week, and do cardio for 30-45 minutes.
-keep calories from 500-800.
i need to learn that just because i over eat one part of the day,
doesnt mean i need to fuck of the rest of the day.
i mean thats common sense.
also, my parents need to stop buying bread. and cheese. and desserts.
their fat asses dont need it, and neither does mine.
oh, im awful.
i cant judge them when im just as bad.
sofia, this isnt drugs, you can just say no, i dont want any.
haha. im actually really nervous to smoke again.
i used to love the munchies for some reason,
but now i know im gonna hate it.
and ugh. maybe i should just... not smoke.
but im so fucking stressedddd.
maybe ill just bring fruit with me when i go do that.
maybe.
i hope the scale is nice tomorrow.
-crosses fingers-
i feel like i should name my scale.
then i can be like... i hate darla. or roberta.
but i dont like either of those names.
actually... hm im weird. okay im going to sleep.
considering its almost 1 am.
until tomorrow. (:
[[just a stray thought: ive realized i like waking up. my day starts out with zero calories... and i can keep it like that for at least 4 hours. and then its at 100 for four more hours and then after that im on my own. but those first 8 hours are absolute bliss. i feel empty and wonderful. why dont i think about that at night when im stuffing myself? i dont know.]]
Sunday, October 3, 2010
day 6/35.
todays weight: 143!!!!
todays intake: REALLY BAD. 1600ish. i dont even want to count.
i dont understand why i hurt myself.
this is the only thing in my life that i can actually truly control,
what i eat.
and then i fuck it up.
i was doing really well earlier.
ugh.
like at 230 i had a salad from atlanta bread company.
but i didnt eat the croutons. and had only half the dressing.
but i did eat the bread. :(
then at 8 i had egg drop soup with crackers.
then at 9 i stopped by caribou coffee.
and not know how many calories were in a cup.
i had a vanilla white chocolate mocha...
i looked it up later 500 FUCKING CALORIES.
WHAT THE FUCK.
and then i got home and had vegan cheese and crackers.
then i just had half a tortilla with cheese and a soy dog.
like what the fuck is wrong with me.
this is my second screwup day out of 5.
and i was doing so well thursday and friday. :(
i hope the scale is nice tomorrow.
otherwise im gonna shoot for 500 tomorrow.
well im gonna shoot for 500 anyway.
uugghhh. also, my mom thinks im skinny.
but thats such a lie.
i think its because she found the tips and tricks i printed last year.
shes like dont hurt yourseld.
and idk. im not. and i think one of friends my have seen the scars on my wrist today.
i hope not. that might be difficult to deal with.
damn it.
DAMN IT.
DAMN IT.
tomorrow is a new day, and i demand to do better.
SOFIA, get it together, for your own sake.
todays intake: REALLY BAD. 1600ish. i dont even want to count.
i dont understand why i hurt myself.
this is the only thing in my life that i can actually truly control,
what i eat.
and then i fuck it up.
i was doing really well earlier.
ugh.
like at 230 i had a salad from atlanta bread company.
but i didnt eat the croutons. and had only half the dressing.
but i did eat the bread. :(
then at 8 i had egg drop soup with crackers.
then at 9 i stopped by caribou coffee.
and not know how many calories were in a cup.
i had a vanilla white chocolate mocha...
i looked it up later 500 FUCKING CALORIES.
WHAT THE FUCK.
and then i got home and had vegan cheese and crackers.
then i just had half a tortilla with cheese and a soy dog.
like what the fuck is wrong with me.
this is my second screwup day out of 5.
and i was doing so well thursday and friday. :(
i hope the scale is nice tomorrow.
otherwise im gonna shoot for 500 tomorrow.
well im gonna shoot for 500 anyway.
uugghhh. also, my mom thinks im skinny.
but thats such a lie.
i think its because she found the tips and tricks i printed last year.
shes like dont hurt yourseld.
and idk. im not. and i think one of friends my have seen the scars on my wrist today.
i hope not. that might be difficult to deal with.
damn it.
DAMN IT.
DAMN IT.
tomorrow is a new day, and i demand to do better.
SOFIA, get it together, for your own sake.
Friday, October 1, 2010
day 5/35
back to square one 146.
but i had a good eating day today.
~557.
and that only because i went out. (:
i like going out because then i dont have to think about eating. woot.
and there was a really cute guy there,
but darn im taken by my baby. (:
which i am perfectly okay with.
if only he was closer. :P
oh well, everyday is another day closer to when i see him.
and since i went out that means i exercised a bit too.
running and walking places. WOOT. haha.
although my parents flipped a shit. theyll have to deal.
because i wanna go out tomorrow too. haha.
ill just have to do sat in the morning.
ehh. but im nervous because they want to go out to eat lunch. :P
i might be able to get away with just a drink.
maybe, but they know i barely eat.
so maybe ill just say i have no money?
but then we're going shopping so idk.
i mean im not buying clothes because im saving up my money.
but. yeah, that reminds me. i need clothes.
but im afraid to go shopping. :P
<3
but i had a good eating day today.
~557.
and that only because i went out. (:
i like going out because then i dont have to think about eating. woot.
and there was a really cute guy there,
but darn im taken by my baby. (:
which i am perfectly okay with.
if only he was closer. :P
oh well, everyday is another day closer to when i see him.
and since i went out that means i exercised a bit too.
running and walking places. WOOT. haha.
although my parents flipped a shit. theyll have to deal.
because i wanna go out tomorrow too. haha.
ill just have to do sat in the morning.
ehh. but im nervous because they want to go out to eat lunch. :P
i might be able to get away with just a drink.
maybe, but they know i barely eat.
so maybe ill just say i have no money?
but then we're going shopping so idk.
i mean im not buying clothes because im saving up my money.
but. yeah, that reminds me. i need clothes.
but im afraid to go shopping. :P
<3
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