Wednesday, January 12, 2011


everyone follow
that is where i am now. and where i will be posting updates, and hopefully you guys receive them.
blogger is fucking annoying me with this thing, so idk.
thank you.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

i dont want you to get lost inside my mind.

i dont know what to do.
im afraid...
im afraid of eating,
im afraid of letting ryan in,
i trust him,
but if i start telling him my thoughts...
then he'll get lost inside of them,
and i dont want to make him sad,
he doesnt deserve that.

todays weigh-in:
133 lb.

fasted until 9 pm est.
that makes 46 hours,
my new longest fast.
had kefir (70) in the morning,
and then for dinner (breaking the fast) i had...
romaine leaves with mustard (10) + soup (60) + 2 chips (29) = dinner (99)
thats less than yesterday!
and i ate, haha.
oh, and i only ate the chips because i was craving them,
but i had two then walked away...
moderation, ayyee?
and plus, i am so ridiculously full right now.

i dont really have much to write about.
i walked 2.5 miles today in the icey snow.
i saw ryan. (:
im in a weird mood.

i really dont have much to say.
other than i love fasting.


Monday, January 10, 2011

day four: a sibling

dear ilya,
i love you so much. and i wish we spent more time together, but i understand why you dont like to be at home. i dont either.
im sort of following in your footsteps; i know thats bad, but i cant help it. its better than being boring.
im going to ask you one thing: please dont leave me here alone. i wouldnt be able to take it here in this hell without knowing youll come "home" eventually.

i love you,

todays weigh-in:
136 lb.
i strangely dont even care.

for digestive purposes primarily.
(my tummy hurts whenever i eat)
1 cup of kefir (140) + 1 cup hot cocoa (50)

i really miss ryan,
i havent seen him in two days.
i spent the day with my group of friends,
i walked 6.5 miles.
(so im thinking i burned off those drinks)

after coming home, i got yelled at.
quite a bit.
i went to my room to change so i could go back out,
then when coming to the realization that i had nowhere to go,
i started crying hardcore.

im better now.
i would like to share with you...
a poem cinnamon brown shared with me.

Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

currently craving chinese,
oh well, not gonna have that for a while.

stay lovely.

love heeerrr.

no. they are not.

day three: your parents.

dear mommy and daddy,
i wish i could tell you more about my life. i wish i could be more honest with you. i wish i could tell you i was depressed, but i know you see it. you just dont know what to do and that's alright.
im sorry that it looks like im trying to push you away. i kind of am. i hate being at home, and the reson for this i do not know. i just feel so choked here, like everything has to be prim and proper and i cant do the shit i want to do.
i like smoking. ive done it more than once. i yelled at you a lot back then because i was smoking everyday, thats why i acted to sketch all the time.
mom, dont blame yourself for my change. it would have happened sooner or later. i just needed to be free, and the vacation you took gave me that.
daddy, i dont like it that youre so religious. it makes me feel like everything i do is wrong. and i dont like it, and that is probably why i dont like to talk to you so much. im sorry.
i like sinning.
but basically, i love you.

todays weigh-in:
134 lb.
i think i drank too much chardonnay.

today i went to the world of coke,
too much soda. :P

i have a snow day tomorrow.

i dont really have much to say...

im not baking until i hit 125,
(i baked again today, fml)
theres so much i want to make!
so that must be soon.
i would restart the gm,
but im going on a date next saturday,
so i would have to break it.
so maybe abc?... maybe.

im happier today.
well, kinda.

i hate food.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

i dont know what im doing anymore.

i like feeding other people,
feeding them loads and loads of calories,
while i sit and watch,
i must remember not to eat any in the making, though.

todays weigh-in:
133.5 lb.

2 biscuits with butter (~350)
one cupcake (~200)
grapes (~30)
none, again, because i suck.
around 580 cal.

im so confused about what i want.
first, i want help.
then i dont.
then i want to be used somehow.
then i just feel like crying.
im a fucking mess.

i gave away all my extra frosting today,
i didnt go to the rave,
i know i feel like dancing,
but i dont feel like going to a place i dont know,
and not knowing when im gonna come home.
although, i feel like being taken advantage of.
my mind is in a strange place right now.
this probably isnt good.

i drank chardonnay as i was putting my makeup on today,
i kinda had a mental breakdown though,
because i put on all this makeup,
and then i freaked out and had the need to take it all off,
and start over,
this happened twice.
it was slightly irritating.

i wrote all this earlier.
i am much better now.

although i have a crisis,
i made macaroni for my brother,
all we had was whole wheat pasta,
which he hates,
so there about 2-3 servings leftover.
should i throw it away?
i mean, i think im strong enough not to eat it...
but at some point im gonna want it. haha.

ive been fasting since 12pm est.
thank you to everyone who commented on my last post.
i love you all,
im serious.
i wish i knew you guys in real life.

thank you again,
stay lovely.