Wednesday, January 12, 2011


everyone follow
that is where i am now. and where i will be posting updates, and hopefully you guys receive them.
blogger is fucking annoying me with this thing, so idk.
thank you.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

i dont want you to get lost inside my mind.

i dont know what to do.
im afraid...
im afraid of eating,
im afraid of letting ryan in,
i trust him,
but if i start telling him my thoughts...
then he'll get lost inside of them,
and i dont want to make him sad,
he doesnt deserve that.

todays weigh-in:
133 lb.

fasted until 9 pm est.
that makes 46 hours,
my new longest fast.
had kefir (70) in the morning,
and then for dinner (breaking the fast) i had...
romaine leaves with mustard (10) + soup (60) + 2 chips (29) = dinner (99)
thats less than yesterday!
and i ate, haha.
oh, and i only ate the chips because i was craving them,
but i had two then walked away...
moderation, ayyee?
and plus, i am so ridiculously full right now.

i dont really have much to write about.
i walked 2.5 miles today in the icey snow.
i saw ryan. (:
im in a weird mood.

i really dont have much to say.
other than i love fasting.


Monday, January 10, 2011

day four: a sibling

dear ilya,
i love you so much. and i wish we spent more time together, but i understand why you dont like to be at home. i dont either.
im sort of following in your footsteps; i know thats bad, but i cant help it. its better than being boring.
im going to ask you one thing: please dont leave me here alone. i wouldnt be able to take it here in this hell without knowing youll come "home" eventually.

i love you,

todays weigh-in:
136 lb.
i strangely dont even care.

for digestive purposes primarily.
(my tummy hurts whenever i eat)
1 cup of kefir (140) + 1 cup hot cocoa (50)

i really miss ryan,
i havent seen him in two days.
i spent the day with my group of friends,
i walked 6.5 miles.
(so im thinking i burned off those drinks)

after coming home, i got yelled at.
quite a bit.
i went to my room to change so i could go back out,
then when coming to the realization that i had nowhere to go,
i started crying hardcore.

im better now.
i would like to share with you...
a poem cinnamon brown shared with me.

Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

currently craving chinese,
oh well, not gonna have that for a while.

stay lovely.

love heeerrr.

no. they are not.

day three: your parents.

dear mommy and daddy,
i wish i could tell you more about my life. i wish i could be more honest with you. i wish i could tell you i was depressed, but i know you see it. you just dont know what to do and that's alright.
im sorry that it looks like im trying to push you away. i kind of am. i hate being at home, and the reson for this i do not know. i just feel so choked here, like everything has to be prim and proper and i cant do the shit i want to do.
i like smoking. ive done it more than once. i yelled at you a lot back then because i was smoking everyday, thats why i acted to sketch all the time.
mom, dont blame yourself for my change. it would have happened sooner or later. i just needed to be free, and the vacation you took gave me that.
daddy, i dont like it that youre so religious. it makes me feel like everything i do is wrong. and i dont like it, and that is probably why i dont like to talk to you so much. im sorry.
i like sinning.
but basically, i love you.

todays weigh-in:
134 lb.
i think i drank too much chardonnay.

today i went to the world of coke,
too much soda. :P

i have a snow day tomorrow.

i dont really have much to say...

im not baking until i hit 125,
(i baked again today, fml)
theres so much i want to make!
so that must be soon.
i would restart the gm,
but im going on a date next saturday,
so i would have to break it.
so maybe abc?... maybe.

im happier today.
well, kinda.

i hate food.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

i dont know what im doing anymore.

i like feeding other people,
feeding them loads and loads of calories,
while i sit and watch,
i must remember not to eat any in the making, though.

todays weigh-in:
133.5 lb.

2 biscuits with butter (~350)
one cupcake (~200)
grapes (~30)
none, again, because i suck.
around 580 cal.

im so confused about what i want.
first, i want help.
then i dont.
then i want to be used somehow.
then i just feel like crying.
im a fucking mess.

i gave away all my extra frosting today,
i didnt go to the rave,
i know i feel like dancing,
but i dont feel like going to a place i dont know,
and not knowing when im gonna come home.
although, i feel like being taken advantage of.
my mind is in a strange place right now.
this probably isnt good.

i drank chardonnay as i was putting my makeup on today,
i kinda had a mental breakdown though,
because i put on all this makeup,
and then i freaked out and had the need to take it all off,
and start over,
this happened twice.
it was slightly irritating.

i wrote all this earlier.
i am much better now.

although i have a crisis,
i made macaroni for my brother,
all we had was whole wheat pasta,
which he hates,
so there about 2-3 servings leftover.
should i throw it away?
i mean, i think im strong enough not to eat it...
but at some point im gonna want it. haha.

ive been fasting since 12pm est.
thank you to everyone who commented on my last post.
i love you all,
im serious.
i wish i knew you guys in real life.

thank you again,
stay lovely.

Saturday, January 8, 2011


this is what happens when you drink sofia,
you find that its okay too eat.
but it isnt.
i hate these kinds of posts.
but whatever, i was 132.5 this morning.
and i just ruined it.
i might be fasting tomorrow,
but im going to a rave tomorrow night.
i feel like absolute shit,
i was so happy. until i ate...
ill get you a better update tomorrow.
i really cant think.
i feel like crying.
fucking hell, i wish i could purge.
and i was on a four day streak without binging!
i know thats not a lot, but it is for me.
-low point-

p.s. ill start this diet over soon,
and strictly follow the rules,
like dont drink soda, and stuff.
i need to fast soon.
maybe on sunday.
i need to get with it.
may or may not weigh in tomorrow,
definitely going to the gym.

Friday, January 7, 2011

gm diet: day four: bananas and milk.

i see pictures of delicious food on tumblr,
and i want to cry because a fatass like me cant have that.

133.5 lb.
seriously, kill me.

4 bananas (480)
1 yogurt (80)
1/2 cup milk (45)
none because i suck.
620 cal.
(bananas really arent worth all the calories)

i replaced yogurt for milk,
because i very much dislike milk.

tomorrow is russian christmas,
so i will baking instead of going to school,
(my choice, because i love baking. :P)
heres the list of possibilities i will be shopping for tonight:
red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting
mocha cupcakes with mocha buttercream frosting
devil's food cupcakes with milk chocolate buttercream frosting
lemon cupcakes with cream cheese frosting and candied lemon zest.

i asked ryan what he wants me to make,
and he chose cupcakes...
so there we go!
also, im leaning towards the mocha ones,
since he loves coffee haha.

im also trying to make nondesserts:
sweet love knots
some really spiffy mac and cheese
buttermilk biscuits
these russian cheese bread things

(im not making all of these, haha.)

im really sorry if that made you hungry,
since this diet restricts me from a lot of foods,
ive been looking at food a lot.
its quite irritating,
OH MY GOD! the thought of french fries is killing me,
i sit there at lunch and watch the majority of the table munching on fries and cookies,
and i just die a little on the inside.
but i am strong and must not buy them.

i almost binged tonight,
this diet is really killing me on the inside,
like, i NEEDED that bread,
i dont even like bread.
[[this thing is doing crazy things to my head]]
but it was amazing because i knew it was forbidden.
maybe i should just give up,
and accept that ill be fat forever.

fuck this.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

gm diet: day three: fruits and vegetables (no bananas)

the day started off disappointing with this...

todays weigh-in:
134 lb.

clementine (35)
1 1/2 apple (120)
1/4 cantaloupe (50)
51 blueberries (40)
russian salad (125)
cucumber and tomato salad (50)
1.5 mile walk (-100)

320 cal.

but, i woke up to this text:
"good morning pretty girl"

today i wore a shirt with a zipper that goes all the way down,
its quite kinky. and i like it. ;D
and so did ryan, haha.

chewing and spitting is weird.

today ryan texted me...
"im glad your[e] working out instead of not eating"
first, what the fuck is that supposed to mean.
second, if only he knew i was doing both.
and third, my decisions are my decisions,
speculation is not necessary.
although, i guess it's what i get for telling him anything.

im always cold now,
someone says its hot in class,
and i whisper "im freezing."

i hope i see a change on the scale tomorrow.

why does my mother expect so much out of me?
she does whatever to make my screwup brother happy,
and yet i get yelled at for a c in an APCLASS.
i mean, fuck her.
i love my brother, but it just isnt fair.

i might be in a bad mood,
but im okay.

stay lovely.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

gm diet: day two: potato breakfast and vegetables

im getting RIDICULOUS cravings.
and for nothing in particular.
just for everything thats bad for me.

todays weigh-in:
134 lb.

potato (100)
hummus (42)
cucumber (45)
1 tsp italian dressing (13)
about 1/2 cup russian salad consisting of cabbage, corn, and vegenaise (?125)
2 pickles (10)
walking to/from school (-30)
jazz, although we didnt do much (-200)

105 cal.

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
i took a fucking quiz, just because i was curious.
apparently im really fucked up.

i really miss ryan,
i cant see him,
due to it being a school night...
and him having to do stuff.
i really think he likes me, really really.
well, i can only hope.

my jazz teacher needs to stop asking me how im losing weight,
its kinda awkward, because i cant tell her truth...

emotionwise, ive been good today.
a little off, but nothing serious,
which is good.

stay lovely, ladies.
(and the gentlemen, too.)

Monday, January 3, 2011

gm diet: day 1: fruits (no bananas)

i will not lose any weight if i fast/ restrict well one day, and binge the next.
every other day
isnt good enough.

Day One All fruits except bananas.
Your first day will consist of all the fruits you want.
It is strongly suggested that you consume lots of melons the first day.
Especially watermelon and a loupe.
If you limit your fruit consumption to melons,
your chances of losing three lbs. on first day are very good.

todays weigh-in:
136.5 lb

apple (100)
2/5 cantaloupe (80)
50 raspberries (50)
coffee (5)
2 mints (10)
walking around the mall (-75)

170 cal.

will wants to be friends,
and then he doesnt,
he needs to make up his mind,
i cant handle the instability.
im not
strong enough to handle it.
im really quite the forgiving person.

after the gm diet,
i will retake my measurements.
this link gives a good explanation of the gm diet,
for those interested.

thank you very much to everyone
who commented on my last post,
much appreciated,
it was a bad night,
but it is indeed in the past.

im really happy right now,
because i figured everything out with will,
and its just a lot less stress i have to deal with,
although, tomorrow is first day back to school. :P

stay lovely.

"i didnt eat for three days, so i could be lovely."

a diet to try soon.
thank you, cassie.

i guess now is the time when i describe my new years.
lets just start with it went from good to awful to drunk REAL fast.

it started with me baking up my vegan storm,
brownies were by far the best part.
(even though they gave me a blister from chocolate cutting. :P )

ryan picked me up and we went to his house,
and did stuff and played a bit of guitar hero.
then we went to wills.
first off, he wasnt there, so we chilled with his brother for a bit.
then when he came back with m and s,
ryan told him we were hooking up,
we hadnt told him, obviously, and he fucking blew up.

he claimed he loved me,
he said all this shit,
he kissed me,
he just tried too hard,
and then he kicked us out.
at 12:01 am. perfect, right?

i then asked ryan to drive me home,
i was in a bad state,
i started burning myself with my lighter,
then ryan started getting concerned with me,
we ended up going somewhere,
getting yelled at for being there,
and then went back to my house.
(my parents had russian company over :P, awk)
then he had to leave.

i started drinking,
and eating,
and im not surprised that i gained.

i hated it.
i will not allow drama in 2011,
dramatic boys can go suck their own fucking dick.
since all that technically happened in 2010,
i will let it be.

its a new year.

1. get underweight. fuck it, its what i want.
2. become vegan for at least a month.
3. junk food / soda free for a month.
3. try 5 new things.
4. get all As and Bs, with majority As.

im going to start the gm diet tomorrow.
altered ofc, due to my being a vegetarian.
that will be interesting.
... will make a shopping list now.

stay lovely.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

when i dont eat, i get a weird feeling of nausea. is that weird?

today was a fasting day,
i dont have much to say.

Age: 16
Height: 5’7"
Weight: 135 lbs
Dress Size: 8?
Highest Weight: 174
Lowest Weight (at height): 132.5
Goal Weight: 115 (probably)
Favorite Diet Food: raspberries, blueberries, grapes, romaine leaves, soup.
Favorite Binge Food: pizza, chocolate, chips.
Favorite Exercise: elliptical.
Favorite Thinspo: thighs.
Where Do You Slip Up: being home for too long.

When Did It Start?:
Hating your body: eighth grade.
Restricting/counting: tenth grade.
Does Anyone Know: ryan.
You Want Help: nope.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day : varies.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: fat stomach, fatty thighs, fat arms.
Are You In A Relationship: hooking up.
Are You Depressed: probably.

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: once, not well.

Ever Been To A Psychologist: nope.

I AM -
[?] anorexic
[] ednos
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[] starving yourself
[x] participating in a fast

[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic

[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia

[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

[] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/had braces.
[] I wear glasses
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[] I have more than 2 piercings.
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[] I have freckles.

[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[x] I’ve run away from home.
[x] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.

[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[] Disney movies still make me cry.
[] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something
[] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

[x] I’m single
[] I’m in a relationship.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[x] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

[] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.

[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.

[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[x] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I’m at my thinnest
[] I’m at my biggest
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[x] I’ve taken diet pills
[] I’ve used laxatives
[] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[x] Other

[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[x] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself im strong