worthless.

i was supposed to water fast today.
ill tell you the story though.
then maybe youll get it.

yesterday around... 9 maybe?
its hit me that i wont see my boyfriend for 2 months.
my best friend hates me.
and thinks im a worthless piece of shit.
and i just felt worthless, fat, and ugly.

for somereason i felt really bloated,
my insides felt squished
so i took some ibuprofen.
didnt help.
then all of sudden i felt like harming myself.
i dont know why it kinda scares me.
like... i cut myself for the first time.
and hopefully for the last time.
im not trying to look for attention.
i just... i thought it would help.
maybe, it did maybe it didnt.

anyways, i was really scared.
so i called my boyfriend.
he didnt pick up.
but i decided that i would waterfast to make myself less ugly and fat.
and somehow that would make me worth people and being alive or whatever.

but then he called back.
and he made me feel happy again.
so i forgot about it.
but now i feel the same again.
not worthless.
because my exfriend is just a piece of fucking shit,
that hopefully ends up in a crackhouse.
but i still feel fat and ugly.
so im not gonna eat again until 9.
and then its only gonna be vegs/fruits.
ill be up till 12 at least, talking to my boy.
and ill take a walk during that time.

i still havent weighed myself.
im kinda scared.

damn it.
i miss my baby.
i love you, im sending that telepathically.
because i say it enough over text. haha.

alright, till next time.