this may be long...

actually it going to be really long.
but i doubt anyone actually reads my posts anymore, so yeah.

tuesday was okay, i had around 500.
wednesday i purposefully made bad, so everyone would stop bothering me about eating. its quite annoying but i know that i make it worse because i tend to say things out loud without realizing. but more on that later.
today so far ive had nothing, and i kinda want to make it fasting day, just because, i feel like it? [[ hahahahah. that didnt happen. at all. damn stressin school.]

1. i feel like a jokingly talk about anorexia, food, and depression too much. i feel like i may be raising suspicion. like i always complain how im hungry at lunch but cant eat anything. but i realized that annoys everyone else so ill just keep it to myself, and say im not hungry. because i shouldnt raise suspicion until i start reaching my friggin goals.
speaking of goals, wednesday morning i weighed in at 141. didnt weigh myself this morning. i dont know how im going to reward myself at 140. i think i may go shopping because i dont have any fitting pants and i want more pretty clothes. rather than tshirts.

2. yesterday for some unknown reason, i dreamt a lot. like i remembered a dream after i woke up from a nap, and when i woke up this morning. and they are both semi thinspo related to i guess ill share. (1) [there are five characters: C, V, S, (lol) my brother, and me] V, S, and i were walking through my house which was actually a coffee shop and went through the side door to a pool house which was my bedroom. S went inside and said i dont want to have anything to do with this. i leaned against the door and a wave of tiredness came over me and i slouched against the door. V says something like are you still want to do this. i meekly say yes, and we start making out. and he picks me up onto the ledge in the door. and im quite small may i add, all i remember is seeing slim thighs. :P. yeah then i wake up in the dream on the couch next to a shirtless C and i get up and my brother is waking up behind the couch and his face is all bloodied and what not. he says, what the hell... and punches C. i wake up when im freaking out about what to do and am getting ice. (2) [this one is quite sporadic] someone walks into my room saying i found weed on the ground! but there grass in it. so i dump the weed/grass on my bed and try to sort out the weed from the grass, then im in the bathroom and i see pills. they were either ephedra or adderall, and the person im talking to say yeah i dont want them you can have them. and then im sitting outside at a table and C and i arte just talking. (done) yeah, i have weird dreams. :P

3. i have over the counter diet pills. well a couple, but i dont know how and when to take them so yeah.

4. im an awful procrastinator. im currently at home because i have a speech due right now... yeahhh.

to All.That.Wander.Are.Not.Lost on .Obsessed & A Mess. : i keep wanting to post a comment but it wont let me, so hopefully you'll read this. i hope you feel better, and about the therapist , ive always wanted one but knew they wouldnt help, plus the fact that im poor means i wont be getting one. i hope we both find someone that helps us. stay lovely dearie. <3


when will someone finally notice me? :/
i dont know what C is thinking. but i think about him a lot.
egaaadd, why does he have to be grounded.
he's such a cute, whimsical nerddd. :P (:


well dears, stay lovely. <3