i think i want to do this so i feel wanted.
im sick of being put off.
im sick of being ignored.
i just want to walk by a group of people,
well a group of guys,
and i want them to be like shiiiiitttttt (in a good way)
the reason i say this is because i woke up recently from a really strange dream.
well it wasnt strange... i understand why i had it.
so here it goes.
i think i was skipping school or something. but i was still on school property, and this guy i used to like but my friend was dating was sitting next to me. ofc he didnt want me because i was fat... and am still fat... but i was really skinny in this dream. and we were just sitting with our backs to this brick wall. and then he looks at me turns my chin and kisses me. and then i was like... -WAIT- i cant do this! if you dont know... i have a boyfriend. and even in my dreams i remember about him... after. now dont get me wrong i havent cheated on him, hes just so far away (portland, while i live in atlanta). and then (part 2) there was like 15 of us going behind a baseball field trying to get off school property to skip. there were like three people in front of me and everyone else was behind. and he were making a lot of noise. and then all of a sudden everyone said sshhhhh at the same time. and that caught the girls softball team's attention. and then they went up to the fence, we were hidden by trees right next to the fence. but then i book it and run to the edge of the fence... but then i either fell or purposely fell to the ground... or something. and then i get spidey skills and jump across this fence thing, alone, because everyone else was getting caught by the police... i didnt check but i heard sirens. and then i kept running.
so what i gather from this dream...
1. i want to be skinny.
2. i want to hook up with someone.
3. i dont want to be at school, ever.
4. i want to be skinny.
5. i dont want to be fat.
6. i want to be skinny so people will want me.
so i will stop eating today... until i cave. im going to get coffee at 8 today. but ill try to drink as little as possible. because i cant drink it black.
see heres the problem, ive been eating like shit the past couple of days. i went to the doctor yesterday... 147 FML. and then i proceeded to get superdy doopardly high that night and eat a lot of cake when i got home. whoops. but i weighed myself this morning. 144.5 i mean... that means i still havent lost anything. see, maintaining my weight isnt the problem. its losing it thats the problem.
and if you have stuck with my throught this entire post.. i love you. and thank you. and good luck with your own goals.
this mean i have only lost 1.5 lbs so far and have 6.5 to go in 2 weeks.
can i do it? YES. will i do it? YES.
i will be wanted.