Monday, October 4, 2010

end of week one aka 7/35.

weight on the scale: 145.
weight lost this week: 1 lb.

todays intake: around 900.
i just feel bleh.
and then i had a breakdown when i was on the phone with my boyfriend.
so THAT was awesome.

i just keep thinking.
why bother.
i could just give up.
but i cant, i just cant.
this is the only thing thats mine.
the only thing in life i can control.
i can even control my fucking emotions.
so i will do this.
and i have specific goals for this week.

-only one soda a day, if that.
-go the gym everyday, shoot for everyday, at least 5 times this week, and do cardio for 30-45 minutes.
-keep calories from 500-800.

i need to learn that just because i over eat one part of the day,
doesnt mean i need to fuck of the rest of the day.
i mean thats common sense.
also, my parents need to stop buying bread. and cheese. and desserts.
their fat asses dont need it, and neither does mine.
oh, im awful.
i cant judge them when im just as bad.
sofia, this isnt drugs, you can just say no, i dont want any.
haha. im actually really nervous to smoke again.
i used to love the munchies for some reason,
but now i know im gonna hate it.
and ugh. maybe i should just... not smoke.

but im so fucking stressedddd.
maybe ill just bring fruit with me when i go do that.
i hope the scale is nice tomorrow.
-crosses fingers-
i feel like i should name my scale.
then i can be like... i hate darla. or roberta.
but i dont like either of those names.
actually... hm im weird. okay im going to sleep.
considering its almost 1 am.

until tomorrow. (:

[[just a stray thought: ive realized i like waking up. my day starts out with zero calories... and i can keep it like that for at least 4 hours. and then its at 100 for four more hours and then after that im on my own. but those first 8 hours are absolute bliss. i feel empty and wonderful. why dont i think about that at night when im stuffing myself? i dont know.]]


  1. awh. i kinda miss calorie limit is 600 daily so we'll be in the same boat there. if you might go over calories it's best to do it earlier in the day so you can get rid of it by exercising. this is why i eat breakfast every day. it sounds like your parents stock a kitchen like my mother so i'm sorry for that. it's so hard when it's readily available or even offered. alot of things are just too high-cal though&have made it onto my 'never again' list. relax&i hope you sleep well. tomorrow is a brand new day. so enjoy the empty feeling&think before eat. stay strong, darling.

  2. I know how you feel about that.. about messing up some, then deciding to mess the rest up. I have to work on that too. But STAY STRONG. IF you feel like messing up more, just think of how many MORE calories you could have added, but resisted the urge to. Ana is about resisting. Even when you feel too weak <3

    Follow me too?



thank you for being lovely today.