today was interesting.

i woke up at 3 pm,
went straight for my dresser,
and made myself a screwdriver.

todays weigh-in:
135 lb.
:(

no calorie count for today.
fasted from 5 pm on because i ate a lot...
kinda.

today,
i went to will's.
played pool.
went to ryan's.
watched a movie.
(badly) played guitar hero.
smoke two cigs.

tomorrow,
i cook up a vegan storm.
on the menu for bakery sofia:
chocolate chip cookies.
brownies.
peanut butter cookies.
sugar cookies.
and mac and "cheese"

i wish i could fast tomorrow,
but i have the weekend for all that jazz.
have lovely day. (:

day two: someone you secretly think is cute + regular post.

dear sweaterboy,
i met you at a concert at swayzes. you were the keyboardist. you sang part of one song. i was the one who yelled "you're hot." i know you liked the attention; you're gorgeous and cute. and THAT HAT. it was. AAdorable.
have my babies?
love, sofia.

todays weigh-in:
133.5 lb.

intake:
potatoes GET THEM OUT OF MY HOUSE (100) + 12 raspberries (12) = breakfast (112)
quesadilla (600-approx) = dinner out (600)
cookie (100) + sushi (80) + pizza (125) + peanuts (20) + 5 russian candies (375) = i was really fucking irritated (700)
exercise:
ice skating (-400)
doing stuff (-50)
net:
1312-450=
862 cal

i dont want to talk about today.
boys are fucking stupid.
sorry for the generalization.

All.That.Wander.Are.Not.Lost: he knows everything. and by everything i do mean everything unfortunately. but hes supportive, and im sorry, i meant to keep this world a secret.
imperfection-xo: thank you for calling me thin. im really not, but thank you. <3 href="http://www.blogger.com/profile/18250737159298667737">Muffin: thank you. you are too. <3 href="http://www.blogger.com/profile/17376714380793084804">Zwazzle: thanks, i try. ;D

day one: your best friend. (plus thinspo)

[[followers: i wrote this because i cant sleep. the post below this one tells about my day, and has a picture of me.]]
to be perfectly honest, i dont have a best friend. but this one i will write to ryan.

dear ryan,

thank you for being in my life. you are the one person i have told basically all my present secrets to, and i wish i could tell you everything, but some secrets i need to myself. i know we're an odd pair: the questioning and the secretive, but i really wish i could tell you everything. you would want me to get help, but i dont want that. i like being messed up as strange as the sounds. but im glad you're here, because i dont like being alone. i hope you still like me as i continue (hopefully) spiraling downwards in terms of weight and sanity, but ill try to be happy for because you asked once.

im not good at writing letters, so im glad im not actually sending this, but just thank you. thank you for caring, thank you for treating me like i matter, and thank you for listening.

-sofia.

(1)

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(5)

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(7)

(8)

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(15)

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rules.

i dont make the rules.
she does...
who?

todays weigh-in:
134 lb.
good enough.

intake:
10 grapes (30) + 10 raspberries (10) + vegan blueberry banana bread (100) = breakfast (140)
cookie (100)
hummus and chips (60) + potatoes and cheese (125) + russian chocolate (75) + 10 raspberries (10) = supper (270)
exercise:
elliptical (-415)
stationary bicycle (-50)
crunches (-25)
net:
510-490=
20 cal.

today i went to the gym.
i was on the elliptical for 39 minutes;
i set it for 40.
but i kept wanting to give up,
but i didnt.
(well, minus 1 minute.)

today was ryans birthday.
he picked me up early.
i was overdressed.
we watched the big lebowski at a friend's.
we went to the gas station.
he bought me more menthols.
we went to the park to smoke birthday cigars.
we went to starbucks.
i had a coffee with 2 splendas.
(i didnt even drink half)
i made an excuse to leave.
we went to ryans house.
we did things.
i went home.

pictures of me?
(like i said, i was overdressed. haha.)
ew.
(please be nice :/
i know my legs, arms, and everything look disgusting.)

dress with huge bow.
crazy ass tights.
converse.
black scarf with silver sparkles.
black overcoat.
im weird.

oh my, the growls. she's happy.

what i posted on tumblr at 347 am.
my thought for the night,
i cant fall asleep,
all i can do is listen.

todays weigh-in:
132.5 lb.
astounding.

intake:
halved quesidilla (50) + 3 grape tomato (3) = breakfast (53)
brownie (100) + lemon cookie (100) = tasting (200)
tomato salad (20) + brownie (80) = dinner (100)
salad (40) + hummus and chips (750) = supper? (790)
outtake:
running (-110)
jumping jacks (-40)
crunches (-50)
net:
1143-200=
943 cal.

i got new razors the other day,
i may look into that...
(i did. ryan wont be happy.)

im drinking alone right now,
i just want to feel something,
i feel like crying,
but i dont want to cry.

i had a goal for today.
134 for my blogger anniversary.
goal. met.

why cant i feel anything?

blood.
he doesnt want to hear it.
its fine,
i just need someone to hook up with.
(not really)
ill tell him what he wants to hear.

i need a smoke,
i need more to drink.
i need to get shitfaced,
and not go home.
what is home?
i dont want to be here.

im sober now.
and really turned on.
but what the fuck am i to do about that.

i wish food had no calories.

i ate too much tonight,
hopefully an overestimation.
this is what happens when i spend an evening at home.
this is why i have to leave,
they cant know.

its punishment time:
-run 1/2 mile.
-50 jumping jacks.
-run 1/2 mile.
-50 jumping jacks.
-300 crunches.
that was really painful.
this is why you dont eat food, sofia.

p.s. i wrote this throughout the day.

talk to me?! (this is not a plea)

if you would like to contact me that is awesome!
i love emails and texts. (:
information is in the sidebar, but here it is as well.
strivingtobebeautiful@gmail.com
404.574.8378.
for texting, i have at&t and unlimited. i live in the u.s.

todays weigh-in:
136 lb.
i really dont get how this works.

intake:
part pancake (30) + 15 blueberries (12) = breakfast (42)
3 raspberries (3) + coffee (5) = snack (8)
bread (10) + 5 bites rice (20) + 5 spoons soup (2) + 8 raspberries (8) = dinner (40)
exercise:
doinn stuufff ;) (-80)
net:
90-80=
10 cal.

im supposed to be 134 by tomorrow,
due to it being my blogger anniversary,
and i wanted to have lost 40 pounds since the beginning of my journey,
i highly doubt i will get there,
but i will be happy with 135.
as long as i dont gain,
i will be a happy camper tomorrow.

i drank.
i think im tipsy.
i dont exactly know,
but i dont remember what happened.
it all slurred after that screwdriver.
but! i didnt eat much today.
and im glad.

we'll see what i am tomorrow.
i really hope its lower.
i really love you guys. (:
stay lovely.

where the fuck did my willpower go?

no, ryan, you are wrong.
i am not beautiful, gorgeous, or pretty.
in fact, i am fat, ugly, and worthless.
worthless enough to break a fucking fast.

i will not eat tomorrow.
i will not eat the next day, maybe.
i dont deserve it.

okay... lets be more reasonable.
200 cal max, if necessary at night,
for dinners and such.
but, let's not be a fatass,
got it, sofia?

and now for a christmas fast.

starting 11pm 11/24/10
ending 9 pm 11/26/10
or the morning of 11/27/10
so i can maybe catch one of my gws.
i do this to myself.

dear santa,

please let me have control, that is all i want. with control, i cant have it all. i can be beautiful, skinny, fragile, gorgeous. i can have confidence and feel right in clothes.
maybe a little pixie dust to help me lose at least 20 pounds.
please and thank you santa. <3

i feel empty, so i dye my hair.

soon i hope.
i must scour the shelves of the pharmacy.

todays weigh-in:
135 lb.
first it was 136, then after crunches, 135.
i have a bipolar scale.

im afraid to list what i ate,
and the zero exercise i did.
im afraid i failed today,
but i feel so empty anyway,
so it really shouldnt matter.
but ryan wants me to be happy,
he's blaming himself.
and yet, hes almost perfect.
well, not even close,
but hes fantastic, and nice, and caring.
and thats all i need right now.

im baking right now,
i dont want any though,
because i ate so bad today,
my stomach didnt want it.
it got rid of it as soon as it could.
and so now i will not give it something,
that my body doesnt need,
that i dont need.

im getting a haircut tomorrow,
im really excited,
i should be getting a facial soon,
since (pardon my language),
my face has turned to absolute shit.

soda is making my stomach hurt like a maniac,
i must stop.
its not worth it.

im trying to feel,
i really am,
but i dont know if i even feel,
have i ever really liked somebody?
have i ever really loved somebody?
feelings seem to be an inconvenience for me.
but i want to feel,
its not fair to anyone else.

i cant keep drowning myself,
in drugs and booze...
or can i?

ive asked my mother for depression pills...
she doesnt believe me,
of course she doesnt,
everything is fine.
isnt it?

i wish i could just believe that.

ryan called me beautiful last night,
but i just dont see it.
i really dont.

todays weigh in: 136.5 lb.
pleased after that shit yesterday.
should be lower though.

intake:
chocolate vitatop (100) + clementine (35) = breakfast (135)
leftover fish (100) + 20 raspberries (20) = lunch (120)
clementine (35) = snack (35)
halved grilled cheese (55) + 51 blueberries (40) = dinner (95)
exercise:
walking around in the cold (-125)
net:
385-125=
260 cal.

i forgot to say, yesterday when my mom and i were shopping,
she told me im not allowed to where black anymore because i look too skinny.
and then i laughed, but i outright said. mother, this fat is disgusting.
i dont want it, and im fat. that was probably not smart to do. :P

also, ive been trying not to drink soda.
it isnt working.
i have no willpower. but it tastes like dessert.

whenever i dont eat,
i dream about food.
i never dream,
but not eating makes me have binge dreams.

im in an odd mood.
im doubting life...
if that makes sense.

i feel numb.

not any kind of update.

thank you guys for all the comments and such.
but i have recently been informed that since i changed my blog's name,
some people cant receive updates, and im really sorry about that!
i dont know how to fix it! but ill try to figure it out within the next couple of days!
thanks for reading. (:

45.

todays weighin:
135 lbs...
whhaaa? not gonna last.

intake:
part omelette (60) + 5 grapes (15) + fiber one bar (140) = breakfast (215)
5 grapes (15) = lunch (15)
oyster crackers and hummus (75) = snack (75)
5 sushi (200) = dinner (200)
salad (50) + 2 pieces of pizza (600) + fiber one bar (140) = shit (790)
exercise:
walking around the mall and park (-175)
net:
1295-175=
1120 cal.

im a sucker for pizza.

i woke up this morning at 1130.
broke my 45 hour fast.
i may start another because i barely even felt hungry.
and my weight is dropping down. (:
i went shopping.
bought a lot of new stuff.
i almost cried in front of my mother though,
because sure my waist is quite small,
but my pants size is still 8 or more.
and its disgusting.

then i went to the doctor,
my drop foot will make a full recovery.
yayyyyyy.

i then went out to sushi,
with my friends, and ryan was there.
and then we went to target,
and then the park,
where i smoked (:... and saw my ex. :P
and then we went to this kids house,
where we were very bored.
so i suggested to ryan that we go home.
but we went to his house,
and watched supertroopers?... something like that.
it was fun... and lets just say i need to find some scarves.
because part of my neck isnt skin colour. :P
SOOOOOO irritating, but so lovely.
my stomach has butterflies just thinking about it.
or maybe thats all the shit in my stomach.

i think i really like this boy,
although its weird,
ive always told myself i wouldnt date shorter.
but i guess i got over that superficial streak.

stay lovely. (:
p.s. i promise to do better tomorrow.

im a dreamer, and this is what i dream: beauty. (thinspo)

dont forget to look one post down for a tab explanation and life update! (: