i feel empty, so i dye my hair.

soon i hope.
i must scour the shelves of the pharmacy.

todays weigh-in:
135 lb.
first it was 136, then after crunches, 135.
i have a bipolar scale.

im afraid to list what i ate,
and the zero exercise i did.
im afraid i failed today,
but i feel so empty anyway,
so it really shouldnt matter.
but ryan wants me to be happy,
he's blaming himself.
and yet, hes almost perfect.
well, not even close,
but hes fantastic, and nice, and caring.
and thats all i need right now.

im baking right now,
i dont want any though,
because i ate so bad today,
my stomach didnt want it.
it got rid of it as soon as it could.
and so now i will not give it something,
that my body doesnt need,
that i dont need.

im getting a haircut tomorrow,
im really excited,
i should be getting a facial soon,
since (pardon my language),
my face has turned to absolute shit.

soda is making my stomach hurt like a maniac,
i must stop.
its not worth it.

im trying to feel,
i really am,
but i dont know if i even feel,
have i ever really liked somebody?
have i ever really loved somebody?
feelings seem to be an inconvenience for me.
but i want to feel,
its not fair to anyone else.

i cant keep drowning myself,
in drugs and booze...
or can i?

ive asked my mother for depression pills...
she doesnt believe me,
of course she doesnt,
everything is fine.
isnt it?